Essential Essays | Shine a Light Men's Project

Beyond the political culture wars is a great deal of confusion about what constitutes positive masculinity in the current era. The essays in this section explore the various issues behind what it means to be a man today. Please note that there are no right or wrong answers here. The Shine a Light Men's Project is a conversation among men and the people who love them. Opening ourselves to discussions man-to-man is already a significant step forward. By continuing to meet and talk we hope to build consensus and, piece-by-piece, shine a light on the current state of masculinity and the ways in which it is evolving.

We welcome men to join in these discussions. Whatever views you may hold, or perspectives you have to share, all are welcome here. As men we are rebuilding our humanity and embracing a positive and promising future. Please join us!

Too Many Men are Languishing

A middle-aged man takes a sick day off from work even though he is not sick. His job is going well enough. He just needs a break. At home his partner is at work and the kids are at school. He is alone, but he cannot seem to relax. He watches something on Netflix but wanders away uninterested. He is feeling restless, a little moody, and wondering where his life is going. He thinks briefly about starting up a hobby or dusting off his violin from the garage, but can't bring himself to rally for any of these options. Tomorrow, when he returns to work, things will feel more-or-less okay again. Not great, just okay.

Is the ‘Great Man’ Phenomenon Real or Imagined?

Many young men imagine that one day they will become great men. Some young women also imagine one day becoming great women, and there have been many great women to be sure. But men seem to possess a far greater tendency to think this way - to possess an imagination of greatness - and usually without much insight, to perceive themselves as great men in the making.

Male Supremacy and the Manosphere

For those readers who do not live inside the social media circus tent, the manosphere is not a physical place nor any specific set of websites. It is a virtual web involving numerous platforms of growing complexity connected by male supremacist and anti-feminist ideologies that often veer into hatred towards women. It is not a safe place for growing boys or men.

How Men Can Better Cope with Divorce

Mindfulness practices can help keep your sanity and wits about you during turbulent life changes

Why anyone would care to marry a person whom he or she loves is beyond me. Okay, there are a few good reasons: children, certain legal advantages, family expectations. Am I missing anything?

Men: The Critic Inside Your Head is Not Your Friend

Self-criticism is a manly trait that will ultimately undermine your self-worth

There is an utterly false mythology about self-criticism among men. Many of us have been led to believe that being a harsh self-critic makes us strong, provides motivation, boosts self-esteem and protects us from immature and selfish behavior. In short, it makes us more manly. But like many so-called “manly” traits, the self-perception produced by your inner critic is delusional, arising from an ego too fragile to undertake rigorous self-assessment. But we’re men, we can take it, right? Okay, let’s get real.

You Made Me Do It!

Five words that will neither manage your anger nor reduce your suffering

These five words can make the difference between simply expressing yourself and casting painful suffering upon your friend or partner. So the next time you find yourself honestly expressing your feelings (men are encouraged to do this more, right?), you’d better check your language.

Men Must Set Fire to the Past, Part 1

Identifying difficult memories is crucial to growing mindfully; the alternative is continually struggling with shame, regret, anger and sorrow.

Picture a tugboat cruising smoothly through the harbor and into the sunset. A pleasant breeze cools the evening as a lone passenger standing on deck tosses overboard one life preserver ring, and then another, and another. They float and bob in the boat’s wake like a line of discarded Coke cans, each a bit of the past that distracted him from growing with the present moment.

Men Stepping Away from the Past, Part 2

This is the only way to become an integrated man in the present moment

Men are stuck in the past. We have a tendency to hold on to painful as well as joyful experiences as if we are unable to confront the present without them. And our ill founded loyalty to societal expectations only further complicates this tendency.

“The past no longer exists and the future is not here yet.”
Shakyamuni Buddha

Men, Show Me Some EQ!

How we rate emotional intelligence and a mindful approach to practice

When I was five years old I developed tonsillitis and my tonsils were removed. Back home after the surgery and facing a period of recovery, I found to my delight a master Lego block set.

We often hear that women have higher levels of emotional intelligence than men. And that many men avoid or dismiss emotional situations they are not equipped to handle.

Anonymous Men

For some men anonymity presents a dark side

A man strolls into a liquor store and picks up a bottle of Absolut vodka and a bag of chips. He hurries out so as not to be late for his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Liquor stores, like convenience stores and bars, are places of anonymity where folks may visit and be assured that no one is paying much attention to their identity.

Masters of the Universe

1950s America offered fantastic promise for men, but this would not be realized any time soon, nor by very many

Post World War America, the 1950s, seemed to be the dawn of a new era for men, but was in fact the beginning of the decline of traditional masculinity. The much publicized promise of this period would not be realized any time soon, nor by very many.

Photo: She-Ra and He-Man action figures from Mattel's Masters of the Universe series.

Killing Off Mr. Nice Guy

Strategies for addressing Nice Guy Syndrome for nice guys and for the rest of us

If things were not already strange enough in the world of modern masculinity, there is yet another dimension of toxic behavior we need to confront. While this dimension is usually not openly misogynistic, nor openly antagonistic toward positive masculinity, it is sufficiently common to distort relations between men and between men and women. Let’s get to know our Nice Guy before sorting through the various means for killing him off.

Lonely Man, Lonely Men

Why loneliness and violence became such a manly combo

John Wick is a lonely man. Having once found love and married his beautiful partner, Wick invests his entire social life in the relationship and even retires from a career he deems dangerous to his health.

Overcoming Mansplaining

23 Nov 2023 10:22

Many men would like to believe that mansplaining is a joke. But women almost universally despise this behavior, inevitably feel trapped, devalued and victimized. We should add that many beta men are also frequently victimized by the alpha male seeking to establish his presence. According to Wikipedia, “mansplaining…is a pejorative term meaning (for a man) to comment on or explain something, to a woman, in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner”.

Rambo Elegy

12 Nov 2023 16:16

The development of Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo has been well documented over the years and yet appears counter to the trajectory of traditional masculinity over the same span of time. The iconic action character gripped the American imagination over a span of four motion pictures from 1982 to 2008, not including the 2019 Rambo: Last Blood. Worldwide distribution of the first four films - First Blood 1982, Rambo: First Blood Part II 1985, Rambo III 1988, and Rambo 2008 - grossed $819 million at last count.

Beware the 'Feminization' Critique

1 Nov 2023 12:30

"Some people think that the masculinity crisis exists because men are becoming feminized." This is from a 2022 survey published in The Egalitarian, an online publication promoting gender equality. The term "feminization" appears to have two meanings. One is serious pushback by conservatives in reaction to those men who have chosen to move away from traditional notions of "manliness" either in appearance, behavior or both. The other, perhaps more obscure, refers to men who follow a feminine partner's wishes to make certain adjustments in appearance or behavior to benefit a romantic relationship. Since the later appears to harm no one, let us address the former.

Fourth Wave Men's Movement?

17 Oct 2023 14:18

The feminist movement is often measured as a series of waves as social issues coalesced and technologies evolved. From the late 19th century to the early 21st century, feminism changed with the times. Fourth-wave feminism was driven by the #MeToo experiences of millions of women combined with the evolution of social media technologies. We find that not only was fourth-wave feminism inclusive of men's rights but that the men's movement appears to have followed along either as a supportive or reactive companion.