Anonymous Men

A man strolls into a liquor store and picks up a bottle of Absolut vodka and a bag of chips. He hurries out so as not to be late for his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Liquor stores, like convenience stores and bars, are places of anonymity where folks may visit and be assured that no one is paying much attention to their identity. Store clerks observe this unspoken rule in most cases. Many men rely on anonymity to carry on activities which they may wish to keep private, away from partners and family, or about which they feel ashamed.

Anonymity is one of the spiritual foundations of all 12 step groups, and a tradition that reminds participants to place principles above personalities. It prevents people who are not seeking recovery from using the group for commercial or corrupt purposes, and encourages genuine humility among members. These recovery groups have been tremendously successful for so many men and women struggling with all sorts of addictions. But for some men, anonymity presents a dark side.

Many men live much of their lives in anonymity arising from internalized shame. Lacking close friends, keeping to themselves, and even shut-off emotionally from partners and spouses. They may vicariously engage in social activities like sporting events, watching from the safe haven of their television screens. If they are lucky, they may be merely lonely or take pleasure from work and the acquaintances found there. For others, aloneness may turn into anger and resentment, and these feelings externalized onto others who become targets of opportunity. From here, it is only a few short steps to domestic partner abuse, estrangement from family, or taking the AR-15 assault weapon down to the local church or temple.

Of course there is a positive perspective on loner men who work quietly in the service of others, that is, with genuine humility. This is a shade of difference from anonymity, but a crucial distinction, since most of these men are not anonymous, at least in the services they perform. They are church volunteers, 12 step sponsors, scout leaders and men's group mentors. These men prove that individuals with loner personalities may still lead productive and socially engaged lives.

And yet many men remain mostly anonymous in their interactions with other men. According to Filter Off (9/22/23), the video dating app, this is due largely to fear of judgment and/or misunderstanding. These men may never discuss certain issues with male friends, issues such as mental health concerns, sexual orientation, romantic matters, emotional needs, interests they believe are “unmanly,” financial situations and sexual desires. For a vast number of men, this ensures that friendships remain shallow and unfulfilling, or completely absent from their lives.

One particularly alluring challenge we face today is online anonymity. According to a review of social and psychological issues from Sage Journals (11/24/23) - “Why Do People Sometimes Wear an Anonymous Mask?” - the internet is particularly attractive to people seeking anonymous interactions. Aside from the “uses and gratifications” model which is generally expansive and positively interactive, the dark side of anonymous online activity tends to be antisocial and toxic, a breeding ground for manipulative, sadistic and malevolent aspects of the user’s personality, all without fear of reprisal.

The classic “rabbit holes” of social media fit nicely into this scenario. Also, a wide range of taboo and/or illegal sexual experiences (e.g. child porn), weapons trading and drug dealing. Using almost any imaginative “handle” as one’s identity, one may find all manner of antisocial views and materials for real-life or fantasy experiences. “Normalization” of these dark experiences is probably the most serious hazard for men. Particularly susceptible are men who lead mostly anonymous lives.

But the internet is just one of many dangers for these anonymous men. Deaths of despair, including suicide and substance abuse overdoses, are considerably higher, as are divorce rates and estrangement from children and families. Social isolation is also associated with a range of general health disorders, although we may be thankful that anonymity does not always translate to social isolation.

Many men seem to live quite normal lives with their preferred level of anonymity. But it is worth understanding the dangers, and worth becoming aware that men’s positivity groups are generally designed to relieve much of the risk and stress of anonymous living.