Overcoming Mansplaining

Many men would like to believe that mansplaining is a joke. But women almost universally despise this behavior, inevitably feel trapped, devalued and victimized. We should add that many beta men are also frequently victimized by the alpha male seeking to establish his presence. According to Wikipedia, “mansplaining…is a pejorative term meaning (for a man) to comment on or explain something, to a woman, in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner”.

Author Rebecca Solnit, who inspired the concept in a 2008 essay, ascribed the phenomenon to a combination of "overconfidence and cluelessness," and suggested that “every woman knows” this pattern of male behavior. Ms. Solnit followed up in 2023 (The Guardian, 19 February) pointing out the power imbalance implicit in every mansplaining incident, and how “biases, status [differences] and assumptions warp everyday life and allocate more credibility, audibility and consequence to some people than others.” The power imbalance represents an “inequality of voice” whereby alpha males attempt to guard their privileged positions by expressing condescension toward women and beta males.

“Mansplaining” was recognized by so many men and women that by 2010, the New York Times named it one of its "Words of the Year,” by 2018 it was admitted into the Oxford English Dictionary, and it has since been translated into numerous languages including French, German, Icelandic, Korean and Swedish among others.

One of the assumed male attributes we discuss in the Men’s Project is competence, the need for men to feel competent and knowledgeable in some manner, either with real skills or a “know-it-all” attitude. The former are positive contributions to the world whereas the latter results in all manner of mansplaining with generally negative or damaging results.

Overcoming these false demonstrations of competence involves active listening, a real skill, otherwise known as deep listening or listening with compassion. This is a mindfulness strategy described by Zen master Thich Nhat Hahn (You are Here, 2009) in which we listen not to judge, criticize or evaluate, but rather to validate the other, inviting him or her to speak freely. Listening without the need for a response. And as conversations continue, we may express ourselves reasonably with “I statements” - speaking from experience - and thereby neutralize any possible power imbalance.

Becoming aware of the flow of a conversation is another critical skill men may acquire and utilize. That is, to acknowledge that a true conversation is like a dance, a back and forth flow of comments, information and points of view. Men would benefit from the starting assumption that no explaining is needed, and then pay attention to flow and content. Even if technical information is requested, provide only a starter bit, rather than launching headlong into your total knowledge bin.

Guns N’ Roses cofounder Duff McKagan put it a bit differently. In his 2015 book How to be a Man (and other illusions), he writes: “Listen to your girl. We men get frustrated when our ladies talk.” When tough situations come up, “do not even try to fix it. Your sweetie wants you to listen… You do not even have to agree. Just listen. This is black-belt level man stuff.”

Mansplaining will cease once men come to embrace this kind of enlightened masculinity. Take the Zen approach or the black-belt approach - true competence often involves staying silent.

Special thanks to Martine Taikai Palmiter, Guiding Teacher, Joyful Mind Zendo, for her insights and contributions to this essay.