You Made Me Do It!

These five words can make the difference between simply expressing yourself and casting painful suffering upon your friend or partner. So the next time you find yourself honestly expressing your feelings (men are encouraged to do this more, right?), you’d better check your language. 

Here are a few more, with variations:

               “You make me feel like crap!”

                              “It’s all your fault!”

                                            “You made me do it I swear!”

                                                          “You make me so mad!”

Let’s check out what’s really going on here. While both men and women make this crucial psychological mistake sometimes, men are far more inclined to respond to difficult situations with this kind of statement, or just as often, a similar unspoken attitude. Acknowledging that the speaker rarely understands the mud pit he has stepped into and likely doesn’t have a clue why his partner reacts with such hostility, there are nonetheless several levels on which to explore this interaction.

First, let’s face it guys, you get really pissed off sometimes. Your volume increases, your face scrunches up with anger, and you’re likely to point an accusatory finger at the target of your angst. The phrase “you made me do it” strongly implies that you are the one who has fucked up. And yet you are tossing out a clear accusation. You are blaming your partner while admitting to fucking things up yourself. Quite a trick!

Second, your overall tone and demeanor rapidly inflame the situation. Your partner is generally shocked at this level of anger, and the likely stereotypical way in which you have distorted reality to blame him or her for something you have just admitted doing yourself. So don’t be surprised if your little reality-distorting trick is met with serious hostility as the subject of your anger proceeds to lay you out - either figuratively or physically (hopefully the former). 

Third and finally, any phrase that begins with “you made me” or “you make me feel” is ceding tremendous authority and power to your partner. Think about it. Are you saying that he or she really has that much power over you? That he or she can “make you” feel certain feelings or “make you do” things? Really? Unfortunately, if you really believe this, and your partner is suitably pissed off in response, then it is very likely that her or his hostility will ricochet back to you, and in no time flat you both will be screaming.

Okay, back to reality. Psychologist Adam Grant in a recent ReThinking podcast explains: 

“I don’t judge emotions, but I do judge the way that people give up agency over their emotions. A sign of emotional intelligence is abandoning the phrase ‘You made me feel.’ Because you’re giving other people power over your emotions. No one can make me feel anything.”

Mr. Grant goes on to explain that of course there are situations in which a person’s actions influence our emotions. Nor is he arguing that other people’s behavior is not sometimes genuinely awful. Lastly, none of this applies to abusive relationships which are intrinsically and overtly dangerous. 

While we’ve seen that men and women test approximately the same for emotional intelligence, their regulation and expression of emotions can be quite different. Men are deeply challenged whenever attempting to regulate emotions related to anger. Most men carry around such a deep reservoir of anger that the slightest insult may result in their lashing out. When this happens, a man demonstrates an ineffective strategy for managing this unpleasant emotion.

Here’s another way to put it. Men have a tendency to externalize strong emotions whereas women tend to internalize them. At the risk of generalizing, men lash out, women ruminate. Throwing out an accusatory “you make me so mad!” allows a man to externalize his anger by “framing” a target victim, and at the same time avoid taking responsibility for his own unpleasant feeling.

This is the precise moment when a man may choose to intervene on his own behalf. If he comes around to the obvious - that no one can make him feel anything - then a door opens to display his deep anger and very likely a variety of other unpleasant feelings. At this moment and with some practice, he is able to intercept the seeds of anger and question them before taking any external action. While anger is a completely natural emotion, externalizing it toward others is generally not useful and may provoke further suffering.

Need practice? It may be a healthy choice to set up a few sessions with a therapist. A conversation with a trusted friend may help as well, and has the added benefit of emotional stability. Never invite or allow a partner to become your “therapist.” 

Mindfulness meditation is another avenue to explore. By incorporating regular mindfulness practice into their everyday lives, most people report a significant reduction in egocentric reactions and overall emotional reactivity. Find more useful details here. 

For more information on how to handle anger, check out our Basic Training page and particularly Mindfulness Training #6, “Taking Care of Anger.”