Killing Off Mr. Nice Guy

If things were not already strange enough in the world of modern masculinity, there is yet another dimension of toxic behavior we need to confront. While this dimension is (usually) not openly misogynistic, nor openly antagonistic toward positive masculinity, it is sufficiently common to distort relations between men and between men and women. Let’s get to know our Nice Guy before sorting through the various means for killing him off.

Most reviews of Nice Guy Syndrome focus on men’s relations with women, in particular, being the ultimate “nice guy” in a misguided attempt to prompt a romantic relationship. These nice guys are always helpful and always available, eager to fix situations or people, enjoy giving gifts, tend to be indirect and passive-aggressive, lack reasonable boundaries, and their interactions with women are highly manipulative and usually transactional, that is, guided by covert contracts. Nice guys expect to be rewarded with emotional or sexual favors in exchange for their helpfulness and availability. But women are either annoyed by the unusual degree of attention or perceive such a man as just a new friend, lacking any semblance of romantic appeal.

But it’s not only women who are victims. In the realm of hetero male relations, nice guys extend themselves beyond reason for a new or prospective friend, often saying “yes” to things they do not like just to please or impress the other. They may try to impress a boss by regularly staying late at work, meet-up with other guys for activities they dislike, and lacking boundaries, allow others to take advantage of them. All for the sake of being liked or being accepted as “one of the guys.” When things fail to work out according to their expectations, they may turn bitter or angry, and may resort to ghosting their potential pals. In the eyes of the other men, these fellows’ actions appear bizarre, inauthentic and ultimately unreliable.

A special note for men. Be careful not to confuse a genuinely agreeable and fun individual with a nice guy. This is especially likely if you are just learning about nice guy syndrome. If unsure, go ahead and test the other fellow for authenticity: How long have you been cycling? Running? Playing tennis? What was your favorite Super Bowl game? Or try a mild disagreement and test for reactions. If the reader is surprised that men may use tactics like these, you may need to wake up and smell the roses.

How to kill off Mr. Nice Guy? First, only nice guys can kill the pattern they have unwittingly learned over the years. Second, as carefully explained by major men’s work contributors, it is a journey of renewal and it takes time. We will mention only a few widely accepted guidelines for the transition nice guys must undertake toward becoming an integrated male:

• Rediscover self-acceptance: acknowledge the misguided behaviors and the suffering they bring.
• Actively interrupt old presumptions about the nature of men and women and their many forms of relations.
• Build confidence and self-worth: assume responsibility for meeting your own needs.
• Test your authenticity by taking on activities on your own, select things you genuinely enjoy, and go out and participate on your own.
• Build integrity by focusing on what is right, avoiding manipulations and directly expressing feelings (as long as they do not hurt others).
• Practice testing your boundaries by saying “no” to invitations, but never be unkind.
• Reclaim your masculinity: work honestly on discipline, courage, passion and persistence.

If you are a student of mindfulness, there are some powerful alternative strategies:

• Be mindful of the seeds of strong emotions and learn to sense their rising potential.
• Build self-compassion by quietly observing your most negative and destructive emotional seeds.
• Embrace these unwholesome seeds by studying their roots and origins.
• Accept that others have suffered greatly in many ways similar to your own.
• Learn to accept your full self, expressing loving kindness toward your negative emotional seeds: neediness, reactivity, fear and anger; do not abandon them.
• Through mindfulness practice, develop a store of alternative, positive seeds which you can use to guide your worldly interactions.

Nice Guy Syndrome was popularly recognized with the publication of No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert Glover (2003). It has been followed by several useful workbook guides including Michael Pariser’s No More Mr. Nice Guy: The Hero’s Journey (2020). Here is how Mr. Pariser describes the journey of recovery and the transition to becoming an integrated male:

“You will need to look long and hard at your history, your ongoing issues, your dysfunctional coping strategies. You will have to give up your favorite roles: Nice Guy, Put-upon Victim, Selfless Martyr. You will have to step up and do things you’ve never done before: take the lead, follow your heart, share your feelings.”

Nice Guy behavior is toxic to others and to the self. It is largely responsible for women's view that men are manipulative and solely interested in sex. Among men, Nice Guy behavior is seen as weak and uninteresting if not downright irritating. For the Nice Guy reader, we kindly encourage you on your journey. It is never too late to take the first step.