Why anyone would care to marry a person whom he or she loves is beyond me. Okay, there are a few good reasons: children, certain legal advantages, family expectations. Am I missing anything?
The statistics on divorce are dismal. Today 49% of first-time marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. For second marriages the rate is 67%, and for third marriages 73%. So more than half of all marriages end in divorce. One cannot help but wonder if married people are ready for this?
Yet when divorce happens, we know that men and women experience it differently. To their credit, women maintain more extensive social networks and more fluidity among their peers. Men have smaller social networks, fewer friends and more acquaintances. But there are a variety of male-specific traits (and societal norms) that make recovery from divorce even more challenging for men.
Let’s examine the divorce experience a bit more closely before offering the mindfulness alternative.
Why Couples Divorce
Examining the reasons for divorce in the U.S. sheds some light on what is really happening. The most extensive national survey was performed by the National Fatherhood Initiative and published in 2005, so not completely up to date. Still, the reasons for divorce lend valuable insights; note the following reasons overlap:
- Lack of commitment, compromise, absence of everyday kindness: 73.2%
- Infidelity: 54.6%
- Poor communication, frequent arguing and conflict: 55%
- Financial issues, especially unrevealed debts: 28.4%
- Unrealistic expectations: 43.5%
- Domestic violence: 29%
Highlighting just three of these reasons is a harrowing exercise: poor communication, infidelity and domestic violence. Certainly, it is safe to assume that both parties are devastated and saddened by the break-up. But the list of reasons hints at the particular devastation experienced by each party.
Domestic violence is probably the shocker for most readers, but it is not always what you think. We know for example that approximately 95% of serious domestic violence (when physical injuries are reported) is perpetrated by men. But when we include expressive and coercive abuse, the ratio of perpetrators versus victims falls to about 50-50. Nevertheless we are not here to assign blame nor to adjudicate. Suffice to say that both men and women are emotionally scared from intimate partner abuse.
Men experience the process of divorce as well as its aftermath quite differently as compared to women. Societal expectations and antiquated family courts typically assign custody of the children to the mother and order the father to pay support to the mother and/or children. The father is granted “visitation” to see his children - the same word used to describe visiting a prison inmate. Being separated from one’s children by court order is a brutal experience.
Living with Divorce
Once the court proceedings conclude, men and women are forced to coordinate with their ex-wives/husbands regarding visiting the children, a notoriously thorny enterprise. The individual granted “visitation” is often visited by a social worker who will examine his living arrangements to ensure they are suitable for children. Even without children, paying alimony for an indefinite period of years seriously damages the man’s financial situation.
The better option is really an uncontested divorce and mediation, but few couples are ready for such an agreeable arrangement.
Later, as the couple settles into their new lives, men typically remain depressed as they struggle to conform to the new patterns. But lacking the emotional skills to cope with the divorce, and feeling overwhelmed by loss, men often resort to depression maintenance through alcohol or other drugs. Many have invested their social lives in the family unit, and when that falls apart, the men experience profound and severe loss.
At this point, most men are drowning in guilt and self-criticism: “How could I have fucked things up so badly?” “What’s wrong with me?” The harsh self-criticism combined with unfocused anger prevents many men from grieving, and without the experience of grief, men never heal.
Many divorced men believe that they should “man-up” or that to feel emotional pain is shameful. But bypassing grief means that a man never heals. And all emotions remain bottled up.
Most married men ignore their personal social networks in favor of those arranged by their wives. This is a crucial mistake. As a result men suffer from insufficient guy-time and their partners experience an unfair burden of dependency regarding maintenance of the couples’ social network. When divorce happens, a man's emotional supports tend to evaporate and they feel lost, alone and alienated.
Finally, newly divorced men all too often make another crucial mistake by jumping into a new relationship. While they may be seeking comfort and solace, they are still hauling around the emotional damage from the prior failed relationship and its dissolution. Most find that they are unable to emotionally connect with the new love interest.
In the most severe cases, divorced men lose their identities and begin to ignore their health. Mental health challenges may emerge along with deterioration of physical health, the latter resulting from poor eating habits, little exercise and abuse of alcohol.
The Mindfulness Alternative
Mindfulness is a term that is both overly utilized and overly generalized. In essence it is a strategic means of coping with life’s challenges and the suffering we all experience. Mindfulness practices may serve as intervention as well as positive maintenance. But there is work involved.
Like taking a walk on a sunny day, mindfulness exercises are refreshing and rejuvenating. They lighten our footsteps and reduce the influence of negative mental formations or thoughts. Practiced with regularity, mindfulness reduces our reactivity and offers potential health advantages.
Mindfulness practice is first and foremost an alternative to noise, specifically the internal noise of colliding thoughts and emotions that when left unchecked begin to feel like your genuine identity. We become the jumble of conflicting thoughts and belief fragments and move through the world with polished uncertainty, partially formed beliefs and self images marked by doubt.
Although mindfulness may be practiced while performing any activity, for beginners we recommend a more structured format. Try this. Sit in a chair in a reasonably quiet place, sit up straight so that your spine is relaxed, place your hands in your lap and close your eyes. Use a bell timer from one of the many cell phone applications available today. After the first minute or so, you will find the phantom visual images dissipating and your mind flooded with jumbled and incoherent thoughts.
Focus on your breath, intentionally notice your in-breaths and out-breaths. But do not try to alter your breath in any way. Just pay attention, focus on the regularity of your breath. Learning to pay attention is largely what mindfulness is all about. Your breath is your life force, you cannot live without it. Here is how Zen master and mindfulness practitioner Thich Nhat Hanh explains it (The Miracle of Mindfulness: A Manual on Meditation, 1999):
“Breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body and your thoughts. Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as a means to take hold of your mind again.”
As you sit, you will begin to notice the emergence of calmness, perhaps the most obvious benefit of mindfulness practice. But after a few more minutes with eyes closed, you will likely be overwhelmed by the awesome conflagration of thoughts and feelings coursing through your mind. Think of this as your mind’s resistance following a lifetime of scattered thinking.
If you are medically challenged and it alters your breath pattern, you may select a different bodily sense object on which to focus attention, sound for example. Sound like breath is always with us, and reliably present during most any activity. Indeed, the mindfulness practice described here may be applied to most any activity.
Smile To Your Suffering
Practice mindfulness once or twice a day for five to ten minutes or longer. It will not be long before you begin to notice your most severe pain, fears and mental disturbances come into view. This is key:
When you notice suffering related to your divorce, simply observe it like a cloud floating by; smile at it and let it pass.
There will be many “clouds” of pain and suffering floating by, and you will have many opportunities to smile at them.
With some practice, you will develop the ability to focus your mind and intercept painful memories, feelings and emotional reactions. You will come to realize that these experiences are not the “you” paying attention in the present moment. Paying attention is the same as attending to the present moment. Whatever fragments of you from the past, or even present-day challenges, you will allow to float by undisturbed.
In this way, you will gain perspective on your experiences and on the experiences of others. With continued practice, you will find reduced emotional reactivity, growing self-acceptance, and enhanced compassion for others.
Keep in mind that your divorce is probably one of the most painful experiences of your life, and you should never force your attention upon it. It will arrive soon enough, and once you have achieved the habit of observing and smiling at lesser challenges, your mindfulness practice will be ready.
After a time with continued practice, you may begin to apply your mindfulness skills to other activities. Try some easy activities like walking, gardening or riding a bicycle. Do it slowly and deliberately, focusing on your intentions and the bodily forms and movements necessary to complete the task. Whenever your mind begins to wander, return your focus to the breath and come back to your mindful state.
Calmness, a tranquil heart, a clear mind and growing compassion. These are the fruits of mindfulness practice.
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