There is an utterly false mythology about self-criticism among men. Many of us have been led to believe that being a harsh self-critic makes us strong, provides motivation, boosts self-esteem and protects us from immature and selfish behavior. In short, it makes us more manly. But like many so-called “manly” traits, the self-perception produced by your inner critic is delusional, arising from an ego too fragile to undertake rigorous self-assessment. But we’re men, we can take it, right? Okay, let’s get real.
Stop Chasing Self-Esteem
Does it feel like that voice inside your head keeps you in line? Self-esteem is indeed a very manly concept, although hardly unique to men. It is based on thinking that we are somehow better than our peers. Stronger, smarter, more handsome, better in bed, and so on. As a global evaluation of self-worth, self-esteem provides assurance that you are a great person, or at least not a bad person - like most of those idiots and morons around you. But here is the real problem: to attain self-esteem, you must achieve a sense of superiority over others.
It gets worse. The dark side of self-esteem is always lurking in the shadows. The moment something goes wrong, self-esteem tends to vanish. And when it does, your internal critic responds with an even more harsh voice, at times becoming vicious. “You stupid son-of-a-bitch!” “What were you thinking?” “You know you’re just a disgusting pig.” “Leave your balls in a drawer today?” This sets up a self-critical cycle that presents the illusion of manliness: believing that we are better than our peers while ultimately knowing in truth that we are just poor, inadequate bastards.
Silence the Inner Critic with Self-Compassion
Men acquire the inner critic as children, being as they are either victims, perpetrators or observers of bullying and the associated “man box” rules imposed. And also from some parents who believe that boys should be raised to be tough, emotionless and self critical. But silencing the inner critic takes more than simply ramping up the self-criticizing. Your inner critic is guarding against your turning toward self-compassion.
Yea, I know. Real men don’t “do” self-compassion. But if you think it through, it quickly becomes obvious that the only way to silence the inner critic is with compassion toward yourself. How is this accomplished? Let’s break it down.
Kristin Neff has performed extensive clinical research on self-compassion, and in her 2011 book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,” describes the ways that self-compassion is closely related to wellbeing and psychological healing. Neff has identified three pillars of self-compassion:
- Self-Kindness is exactly what it sounds like: treating the self with care and understanding rather than harsh self-judgment. We decide to actively soothe and care for ourselves, much like we would care for a young child.
- Common humanity is coming to understand that our experiences are part of the larger human experience, and realizing that we are imperfect like all people. We may seek to better ourselves, but we will never be perfect and we will always make mistakes.
- Mindfulness practice helps us to notice the suffering that hides behind the constant striving for self-esteem. We learn to move along a middle path, avoiding extremes and accepting ourselves as we are. Mindfulness helps us become aware that we are struggling.
Self-compassion is strongly linked to reductions in anxiety, depression and stress. It is also linked to increases in motivation, life satisfaction, happiness and self-confidence. Finally, positive health behaviors and personal responsibility are both linked to increases in self-compassion. This research has shattered many myths about self-compassion including the fear of becoming self-indulgent, lazy and avoiding responsibility.
Real Men Build Resilience
Self-compassion is directly associated with better coping and increased resilience, and with positive romantic experiences. An explosion of research since Neff first published her work has supported the link with resilience (see “Handbook of Self-Compassion” by J. Austin et al. (2023)).
What does it mean to be a man if not to become resilient in the face of adversity? Who does not want to be more goal-oriented, proactive in achieving our goals and effective at dealing with everyday challenges?
Mindfulness Trainings 4 and 5 from Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh (see the Basic Training page of this website) directly support these research outcomes. We need to become aware of our own suffering and that of others, and be ready to assess our lives to ensure that our actions and activities preserve rather than degrade compassion. A life of enhanced resilience will follow.
Some tips to get you started: spend time in nature, exercise regularly, finish a project, engage in guy time, learn mindfulness meditation, join a men’s positivity group.
Go for it and don't look back.
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