When I was five years old I developed tonsillitis and my tonsils were removed. Back home after the surgery and facing a period of recovery, I found to my delight a master Lego block set. Overwhelmed by the gift, I asked my father for advice on how to use these building blocks. He demonstrated by snapping together a few blocks and said encouragingly, “just build things, whatever you want.” A brilliant man my dad, and a very high level of emotional intelligence for his time. He understood how much I enjoyed discovering how things work.
We often hear that women have higher levels of emotional intelligence than men. And that many men avoid or dismiss emotional situations they are not equipped to handle. But there is considerable confusion regarding emotional intelligence in positive masculinity spaces. Most recent research as summarized in a 2019 Forbes review (Shawn Andrews, 10/9/19) and using a variety of EQ test instruments indicates that men and women have about the same emotional intelligence. But this is only half the story, and it is not what most men and women believe! Perception out of sync with reality.
EQmentor and Target Training International (TTI), 2016
Wikipedia defines emotional intelligence as a set of cognitive and emotional abilities that function to negotiate interpersonal relationships and social groups, and to manage an individual's emotional states. From the perspective of positive or healthy masculinity, emotional intelligence includes three attributes: stoicism, assertiveness and leadership (Jonatha Cz, Medium 11/11/23). But there are significant gender differences.
The stoic attribute indicates that men are able to regulate their own emotions better than women, and with less cognitive effort. Whereas women have more empathy and so are better able to help other people regulate their emotions. Hence the idea that a good man is “like a rock,” reliable and stable.
Assertiveness is the ability to confidently express one's views while respecting others’ rights and feelings. A father setting boundaries for a child or advocating for that child's needs at school may be said to be assertive. Women may learn assertiveness skills but this requires more intense cognitive effort and practice.
Finally, leadership involves confidence, humility, decisiveness, and the willingness to listen and learn. An effective leader empathizes with others’ struggles, handles criticism without lashing out, and maintains calm in challenging situations. He or she leads by example, demonstrating integrity and consistency and promoting collaboration. Again, women may learn these skills whereas many men are accustomed to balancing strength with empathy and self-awareness.
What? That doesn’t seem right. Does this overview not mesh with your experience? This is probably because women tend to express emotions more than men, and so we mistake expression for regulation. Emotional intelligence is about people skills in the broad sense whereas expression of emotions is but one facet. Also, aggression in men is often confused with assertiveness, although each may be applied toward positive goals.
But there is another explanation. For some readers, men in particular, achieving a reasonable level of emotional intelligence may be more of a challenge. How men are socialized as boys and young men is of paramount importance here. But considering how important EQ is to family life, friendships and even success on the job, it may be worth the effort to take on the challenge as adults. Developing improved self-knowledge may be the solution.
Generally adults learn by doing. Practice works best for adult learning (even if it feels like acting). Of the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings highlighted on this website and developed by Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, let us apply two:
- Number One: Openness
- Number Nine: Truthful and Loving Speech
Openness helps us to avoid our own gender prejudice, in particular, the assumption that men are one way and women another. Once our eyes are open to this simple fact, then we may begin to take steps that convert negative reactions to positive actions. Truthful and Loving Speech is all about these actions: discard old patterns of over-reacting, disregarding or criticizing others; embrace difficult situations using words and phrases that promote reconciliation and resolution; and practice using words that express genuine concern, inspire joy and offer hope.
After constructing a menagerie of strange forms I finally learned how to build with Lego blocks. Similarly, with practice and effort men may learn emotional intelligence skills. Even if you have practiced high level EQ for most of your life, there is always room for more practice.
Go for it and enjoy the experience!
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