The tugboat cruises smoothly through the harbor and into the sunset. A pleasant breeze cools the evening as a lone passenger standing on deck tosses overboard one life preserver ring, and then another, and another. They float and bob in the boat’s wake like a line of discarded Coke cans, each a bit of the past that distracted him from the present moment. They were all memories fixated on deeply flawed experiences: bullying as a kid, painful first loves, serious errors of judgment, missed career opportunities, bouts of addiction, failed relationships - a list too long to name.
Startling visual imagery sometimes arises during mindfulness meditation. It may be abstract images or image fragments, part of the usual kaleidoscope of mental wanderings to which our brains default when in a meditative state. Often meaningless, but on occasion strangely useful.
Why a tugboat? Perhaps because they are small but powerful marine vessels necessary for mooring or berthing a big ship into a harbor. Crucial but understated cogs in the machinery of merchant marine operations. Some years ago I had the opportunity to take a pleasure ride on one of these stout ships during off-duty hours. Later I realized that this unusual experience had become imprinted in memory and would eventually emerge as a powerful metaphor.
How do we unburden ourselves of past experiences filled with perceived flaws? Experiences that have become synonymous with shame, regret, anger and sorrow?
While it is important to learn from past experiences, there is no particular reason to keep the painful ones around like so many old socks in a drawer. Nothing recedes more permanently than the past. Dubious nostalgia aside, the weight of the past can become overwhelming and prevent us from evolving - becoming self-reliant, self-assured and integrated people.
The tugboat seems to have an abundance of life preserver rings, curious for a vessel that is so stable in the water. One by one, the stranger tosses them overboard, and little by little the past recedes and the burden eases. With each toss a gentle smile brightens the stranger’s face. He has freed himself to fully experience the present moment. Like the Buddha, the stranger’s smile is wondrous and filled with mystery. For who shall know the sense of wonderment once absolved from the past?
The tugboat is Mother Earth and, like all of her passengers, the stranger’s presence is a mere flash of light and movement. His task completed, the tugboat cruises on unfazed. The stranger has so thoroughly relieved himself of past burdens that, for an instant, he becomes delightfully, astonishingly emergent into the present moment. And then it too is gone.
Special thanks to Rachel Phillips-Anderson of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. Certain elements of this essay are based on her dharma talk.
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