Mindfulness for Men

Humans are a particularly imaginative species. Our enlarged prefrontal cortex is constantly at work drawing our imaginations from here to there and everywhere. You know the feeling, those moments when you suddenly realize that for the past several minutes your mind has been wandering, touching on all manner of details, desires and curiosities from the day's experiences and beyond. This experience is common to both men and women, although for men, a much higher proportion of their mental wandering is sexual in nature. No surprise there!

Thich Nhat Hanh describes it this way (“Life is a Miracle,” 1992):

“We rush about…but we are not at peace. Our body is here, but our mind is somewhere else - in the past or in the future, possessed by anger, frustration, hopes, or dreams. We are not really alive; we are like ghosts."

But what about all those plans you've made? Getting an A grade in class, getting promoted at work, finding a committed partner, raising children, becoming financially ready for retirement? We envision the future as a set of stacking blocks that if we stack them just right - well you know.

The reality is more nuanced. The future will arrive as a fleeting moment, and will quickly fade into the unchangeable past. Whatever plans you may have for this envisioned future, if you do not prepare yourself in the present moment, then the future may not unfold as you imagine. We call these plans external factors. They are cognitively processed visions and practical plans for moving into an idealized future. All well and good yet hardly enough to get you there.

The present moment is a lot less orderly. According to recent studies, the average person's mind wanders about 47% of our awake time. Even when we are busy, the mind continues to wander. This is in fact the brain's default mode. The level of wandering varies depending on how focused we become on a given task. Left unfocused, wandering may rise as high as 90% and beyond.

Welcome to mindfulness meditation. Most mindfulness exercises urge us to relax intentional thinking and gently focus on the present moment, often with breath a natural guide. We become interested bystanders observing the wandering thoughts floating by, and we do so without interpretation or judgment. Withdrawing effort, we become merely present.

While we know that these exercises help relax the body and mind and reduce stress, certainly worthy objectives, the essential messiness of the present moment may be overwhelming for beginners, bringing forth feelings of despair and inner confusion, and for some, a re-emergence of trauma, loss and grief. For the everyday mindfulness practitioner, these are meaningful and necessary stages. This should not be surprising since for any one individual, the present moment consists of every past experience and memory, and even some experiences prior to conscious recall.

Even during a brief mindfulness exercise, men in particular may find their minds wandering into uncomfortable territory. The relaxed mind has a tendency to bring forth painful past experiences, memories of becoming victimized or terrified by bullies, trapped in unhealthy relationships, or wracked by guilt for unfortunate past decisions or unsavory thoughts. Beginners should be aware that such thoughts may arise, and that the best response is to do nothing, to watch them float by along with all the rest.

For the Shine a Light Men's Project, the brief mindfulness exercises we have at the beginning and end of each meeting serve a particular purpose. We acknowledge that men in western cultures find it difficult to just sit together and chat, especially as in our meetings, in the presence of one or more strangers. The mindfulness exercises prepare us by setting aside our daily lives, relaxing the mind and body, and alleviating the particular anxieties that men feel in this situation. The silent mindfulness work at the end of a meeting helps participants transition back into daily life by putting aside (at least temporarily) any special issues arising from the discussion, and allows each individual to process the experience in his own time.

To be sure, these are modest goals. The five minutes we spend in mindfulness meditation is insufficient to bring about the depth of insight, clarity and joy associated with intensive mindfulness work. Practitioners of the latter often begin with 30 minutes and gradually extend the meditation period to one hour or longer.

Practicing mindfulness even for brief periods of time helps to anchor us in the present, where we can observe our thoughts and feelings without chasing them and without judgment. With mindfulness, we can learn to simply observe these thoughts and try not to follow them or get caught up in them. This can help reduce stress and anxiety, bring about calm, and prepare us for open, frank and safe discussions face-to-face with other men.