Men need male friends. For most of human history, male fraternity has been paramount in men’s lives. Yet as we have seen, many of the social factors underpinning men’s friendships have worn away in the current era. What once was taken for granted - men’s place in the social order - is now enmeshed in challenges. Friendship within the clan is a major casualty.
Much is well known about how hetero men form male friendships. Often these factors are presented in contrast to women’s experiences. For example, we know that women’s friendships are usually “face-to-face” whereas men’s tend to be “side-by-side.” Men prefer “doing some activity” whereas women prefer “just talking.” Men enjoy jabbing one another with playful barbs, whereas women are openly supportive and interested. But there are many exceptions as friendships evolve and become known to the greater community.
Let us apply the first two Zen mindfulness trainings to this problem: Openness and Nonattachment to Views (see the Blog section “Basic Training”). First, we men must be open to new friendships. We cannot simply assume that they will happen. Such an assumption is a kind of gender prejudice which entraps us into loneliness. Second, we must look deeply within to eliminate male-to-male competition. This may be expressed as fear of opening up to a male peer who may be better than us in some fashion, more advanced, more knowledgeable, more highly skilled, and so on. There may also be an “us-versus-them” thinking interiorized in one of two forms: that we must prove ourselves to the other fellow as “good enough”; and that we must not act too gay, that is, the near-subconscious sense of homohysteria.
Third, men need to scan internally for “red flag” narrow-minded assumptions about the other fellow and intercept these. When already in conversation, sitting face-to-face or engaged in some activity, such assumptions are always counter-productive. Indeed, showing interest and asking questions are much better ways of getting to know another person. Fourth, check to make sure you are listening deeply and with compassion, especially when the other person’s views may diverge from yours on some level. This is an opportunity to “try on” the other’s points of view. Don’t worry, you can always nix things later.
Mac McGregor in this book Positive Masculinity Now (2022) points out that deep listening includes paying attention, eye contact, positive body language and avoiding judgment. Even if you are engaged in a manly “side-by-side” activity, making frequent eye contact is still important. Body language among men is much about staying relaxed, whereas avoiding judgment is more nuanced. Judgment interferes with a budding friendship; even if you disagree, just say so. The world will not end, nor will the relationship necessarily come crashing down. These differences may become a rich source of playful barbs in the future, an important way men check in with each other.
What if your new buddy does not reflect back these same standards of conduct? This is the time to re-assess. Does his behavior leave you feeling uncomfortable? Is it irritating or dismissive? You may decide to let things slide and try again next time. Many men are so accustomed to filling their social networks with casual acquaintances that your buddy may not even recognize an invitation to friendship.
Acquaintances are important pieces of a man’s social network as they make daily routines more enjoyable and often more efficient. But few would argue that these rise to the level of brotherhood. Many men have found themselves lacking significant friendships, and as a result coping with persistent loneliness. Even those with committed romantic relationships and families of their own may be at high risk of missing out on friendship among male peers.
It is time to rejoin the brotherhood.
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